The Embodiment of LOVE LiFE: DiSSOLVE into REBiRTH
Where to begin. The last three weeks have involved monumental challenge, happiness, evolution and shifts in awareness. I watched two of my best friends get married after spending thirteen years together... That was beautiful. Rachel and Alex Jarboe - thank you for letting me be on your team and travel to BURNING MAN in your RV together! What a journey!!
I don't really know where to begin in sharing this story. I'll put it this way: I Am No Longer the Bearer of the LOVE LiFE SiGN.
I do not have it anymore. On Thursday of Burning Man I surrendered and let go (emotionally) of the single most influential, valued, and impactful Totem in my life of 6.5 years to the Playa. This is the nature of the playa...she taketh...and she provideth...
Here's how it happened... (also throughout this you will find photos of the sign that I have found on FB over the last 6 years.... enjoy them...they bring such gratitude to my heart to see! I know there are so many more photos out there too...)
2am at Camp Question Mark 2&A dancing to the glitch mob. My energy levels were depleted and I felt incredibly UNGROUNDED. Burning man can do that to ya.... (stay grounded.... said my teacher, Ty; the day before I left for the burn...) His words rang in my head the entire week.
I sat down next to my bike (motorized by the way...which changed the GAME!) I ate all the food I had in my backpack... Burning man is RADICAL self reliance and one must care for themselves... I gathered my energy up to around 30% from the negative levels of depletion.
Got on my bike and scooted home. On the back of my bike was a basket with a flag holster where the Love Life Sign would screw into....
the roads were bumpy.... and I was exhausted, ungrounded, yet feeling groovy despite hunger levels at an all time low.... I made it home to Hamster Camp 4&G... Got off my bike and turned around and I felt like I saw a ghost. My heart dropped. I felt like I lost a lover....a part of my self..gone.....the sign was not in the basket.
I kicked my bike around into full throttle and sped back to Camp Question mark- seeking desperately for a lit up Sign on the playa street floor.... Nothing to be found and it hit me.
The sign was gone. My life just changed forever.
Deep Down in my heart- I heard Ishvara whisper into my ear... 'It's okay sweet child....Everything is okay...'
I knew it was gone. I was in disbelief, but fine tuned into awareness of how the playa works with its messages and lessons....
I went back home with a heavy heart, eyes looking off into infinite... holding prayer in my heart for solace to reveal itself.
Sat down on my giant chocolate bear and closed my eyes. Sat for a few minutes and took a few deep breaths...
Thank God For Breath
I grabbed a few items. A pine cone from the Big Sur which I collected from my brothers symbiosis Trip in 2015... a perfectly carved wooded sphere my first lover Madi made for me (waldorfian!), an Om Mani Padme Hum Bracelet my second Lover Megan gifted to me two years ago, and the Bottom half of the Love Life Sign (the part that screwed itself into two pieces so I could travel the world with it.
I made my way to the temple. No distractions. Determination..
I approach the temple with a deep reverence. The temple serves as a communal place for people to come mourn, grieve, and drop into the density that being human tends to produce....The temple is a Shrine Place for All to Feel What They Feel.
I sit down for nearly three hours. Navigate the last 6 years with the sign.... And I'll share this here.
The Love Life Sign was / and is more than just a sign to me. A totem- A message - That I share. Well shit...I guess I might as well share HOW the Love Life Sign came to manifestation. I'll try to keep this story short.
19 years old. Senior in high school. Louisville, KY. I was in a troubled place in my heart and mind at that point and time and was into eating mushrooms.... (i'm sorry if this disappoints you and you may look up to me? This is a part of my life and I wish to be vulnerable and true in this story.) I had a big party- there was a massive rain storm and I decided to go outside and sit under the willow tree in my back yard. In my mind - I birds eye zoomed myself as far up to the Milky Way Galaxy - - saw myself sitting under this tree.... on the earth turning so slowly.... the moon spinning... and I felt how selfish I had been - to not express the gratitude for the life I am living- The blessings that have been bestowed upon me in this life- For the first time, I felt like I Was Waking Up....to see other humans on this planet starve, die, experience tremendous loss....I opened my eyes. PHEW. I just woke up. I saw myself sitting amongst the infinite space of the milky way galaxy - and then next thing I knew I was sitting outside in a rainstorm. I walked inside and immediately fell over and had a seizure. Saw my past- Relieved moments of my parents divorce, and Saw my Future- Saw the building I would live 2 years of my college career in - where Yoga would Reveal itself to me.... and then I opened my eyes and SIMPLY put....I thought I was dead. I felt happiness. I felt peace... In this moment; I felt there was a god! Someone had finally listened to my prayers and ended my life. I wanted to die, I was over living....but didn't have the ability to kill myself....Soescaped through mushrooms and the universe STOPPED me in my tracks. It took me five minutes to realize I was still alive....I wrote a paper about this entire experience; and the last two words to manifest were...... Love Life.
And so it began. The Love Life Sign was inspired by Brother Bonz's Sign BLESS iT- made and gifted to me by his father; Dean Bonzani.
Now - Back to sitting in the temple and navigating the 6 years of experience with the sign... countless conversations... connections... dance parties.... stories shared and revealed.... Tears flowed down my face with immense gratitude. I went through the stages of Grief. Bearing the Sign had an immense power to it- and anyone who held the sign, danced with the sign, traveled with her knew this.... It was felt throughout a crowd. The vibration could be picked up in a moments notice.
In times When I would be dancing with the sign- in an elevated mindstate or not- times would arise would I would not be present...and people surrounding me would make comments, 'I LOVE your sign!' "Great message!" "Thank you for holding that..." and these kind of comments brought me back into the moment and a greater cultivation of what it means to BE HERE NOW.
The sign has traveled to well over 2-4 dozen festivals and shows, it has gone across the world, and brought tears and smiles to many. Myself included! To that one time the sign and my face were on the BUY ticket link at Lightning In A Bottle a few years ago....that was wild! ;)
Now one thing I recognize and always have seen... is that there is an ego to the sign. A fire fueled aries- I love to be seen! I love to see! I do Love to Listen to stories...and this is something the sign allowed me to experience. Share my story from my seizure with the greater world - with two simple yet powerful words put together..... and listen to others experiences of such. I saw so many people who had LOVE LIFE tattoo'd on their body...and got to hear why they got that on their body. (I never felt the call to have that tattoo'd on my body. I did get a willow tree tattoo'd on my ankle 6 months post seizure....as a reminder of Loving Life despite any challenge or darkness life presents in front of me.... Stay grounded... Stay with the earth...
Over these three hours.... I went through the two relationships I have gone through- with Madi and Megan... both shifting me in profound ways- and releasing lingering attachment to them with the items Chosen.... along with the lower half of the love life sign.
I mindfully placed all three items upon the center shrine.... and humbly bowed my head as I felt a deep visceral experience of Santosha Spill into my being, filling me with breath- ringing contentment - pouring acceptance into each vritti as they passed through the bundle of thought pulsing in my mind.... and everything became slow.
I felt present.
I felt Free.
I walked away, knowing these items would be burst into flames in just a few days.... in the Dust... there must be Trust <3
And so now.... I felt partially naked. What a damn good feeling... To feel Naked - and Strong - like the armor that once protected me from pockets of external darkness and internal struggle - became embodied.
The sign is apart of me - Many have identified me as the holder of the love life sign- i mean...she worked really well to gather the tribe at all the shows....and that was a true gift; to share dance space with a spread out tribe! I identified myself within her as well. (the sign is a her to me ;D )
and so the journey continues.... I went on the solo flow from 4am-10am...danced freely to Cry Wolf and a 3 hour sunrise Pumpkin Tribute Set...which was so aligned to the feelings that were streaming through my consciousness.
I let go. I feel that for the first time in my life, I TRULY experienced freedom of an attachment. I knew and know the sign is not to return to me right now. There is a teaching here - a deep message from Ishvara and the Universe. Releasing the Sign in the Fire of the Moment - allowed me to surrender dozens of old stories that were remaining dormant in my mind and heart- as if this was the final push out of the womb....and a new life is to be born.
I've never felt more clear. more grounded in (essentially Loosing) something of extreme significance.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, 72 hours later - all involved happiness, bliss, and true ecstasy on the playa. A new sense of exploration and freedom! And when you least expect it..... you meet someone who lights a fire inside of you- reminding you of the playfulness and purity of life. I am so wickedly blessed. My goodness. Filled with love- Staring into the eyes of a new human being- I felt I remembered a part of myself forgotten. I truly believe - If I did not loose the Love Life Sign, an infinite amount of possibilities could have unfolded- And I wouldn't have met the sweetest of the sweetest Fairies; Kaija! Excited to see you in colorado for a weekend of MAGiX and LOVE!
There is healing in this world and it takes place inside the eyes of the beholder. There is beauty in the eyes of the beholder - There is a great brilliance within each reflection (each human)....we just need to be open...
To me...THIS IS YOGA. From practicing daily for the past years... practice shows up in life. Practice material. While on the playa- I did not practice Asana everyday- I could sit - but more excitingly- find practice in an integrated way of BEing.... and this is one way.
A Cosmic Response of Surrender.
So in reality... I believe someone has the sign. I hope the sign blesses this person just as much as she blessed me and others... Maybe someone put it in Lost and Found? ( I never made it there...I just had to let it go...) perhaps someone placed it in the temple... (I didn't see it there..) Or someone is dancing away with a great reminder of love. A few friends have told me that they think someone will comment to them that they know who the original bearer of the sign is.... and its magnetizing its way back home... As nice as that would be, I believe all is unfolding perfectly; And I feel contentment being here NOW! With Love Life in my HEART!
The more sad feeling part for me- is the love life sign is 1 of 3 items I wish to pass down to my unborn children... the other is a ring on my left index finger my grandmother gave to me which has engraved on the inside... (you guessed it) Love Life ;) - and an Vintage Pooh Bear I found on the snowy ground after a night of partying around 3am!! So it shall be <3
Well...That's the experience That I truly wanted to share. The photos here I found on FB and wanted to compile them into this post.....What a Wild Strange Beautiful Journey this IS! :)
thank you for reading and sharing. I'd be honored to hear what you feel and what your experience is in reading. My heart is open to yours- more than it has ever been before!
Can we love life SO much....
that we are willing to be dissolved....
and re-created <3