I've heard it many times before.
You are Always Whole.
Sure doesn't always feel like it though, eh?
I've spent the past six months traveling through 7 countries, various cultures, cautiously stepping foot into unknown territory. Keeping points of awareness in discerning that which is of Soulful Vibration and that which is no. I have steeped myself in half a dozen religions and their respective sacred spaces of prayer. The universe, spirit, source, mrytle, or god; all these words are extremely loaded with the same resonance of intention. I became such, learning and remembering what I knew all along, but refused to believe until the world brought me into a state of Global Citizenship. Everything I seek is within me. I'm probably going to forget that soon and I will pray that the Language of the Universe reminds me through its omens & signs.
Many days upon my travels I experienced aloneness. Before I departed for Asia, I had a bitter taste of feeling far from myself while in Colorado, so I did one thing I know how to do.
To find answers in Earth, in the reflections of people ///
/// in myself.
Through the gift of my teachers, I recalled on my strength and willpower to create a foundation for my travels. The Practice of LIFE and living Yoga beyond postures and the importance of the internal landscape. Being in the world as a Beacon of Yoga; despite feeling shattered at times.
To seek comfort in my discomfort became the theme of my time in Asia. Cultivating a continued relationship with the chaos of this heart, mind, and its interactions with the surrounding world.
Myanmar held me in Vipassana <translating to insight> during my final ten days in Southeast Asia. Ten days of mindfulness meditation. This was the final additive to the mixture of re-wiring patterns and stabilizing the ground these feet walk upon, with conviction and unapologetic fluid fire for BEING alive.
Now. I could feel the ground beneath me for what felt like the first time ever! Least would I know, it wouldn't be for too long.
As each day passed by from April 4th and on, I remember thinking, "I'm so close to being home. I can do this. Soon, I'll be with my whole tribe and it will be so amazing!"
It was more than thinking. This was a deep feeling that spanned over the internal abyss of awareness. A visceral feeling of warmth, deep truth of love spawning from each cell as this thought entered my heart space, emanating and expanding vibrationally each day more, just as April 16th would hastily spin by.
Indeed, April 16th came and the day was filled with dense blackness. I was living in the Upside Down World, far from my projected utopia of Tribe connection.
My breath was stale
for a sniff of forgiving truth.
Yet, in my process of seeking contentment, Maya seemed to have held me so sweetly in the illusion. In my dreadful sadness, life's fleeting beauty began to glow, even though life had been broken.
Oh, the illusion, how could you be so raw, so real?
This is real life?
What is this?
Who am I?
Where am I?
I can't feel the ground...
I've been touched by the champagne sabering angel, Matthew Wayne Lackey, who died on April 10th at around 2 something o'clock, Claimed by Mount Princeton at age 31. One of America's top chefs would not be picking me up at the airport on April 16th, 2017, completing the cycle of him dropping me off at DIA on October 28th, 2016. It seems our mortal promises were far too mere, as the White Mountain Goats had a different contract for Matt to accept on this day.
I found out Matt left his earthly body at 1:30am on April 11th while in LA for business with Yoga Revealed Podcast. 5 hours later I was on the first flight to Colorado.
I spent six months stabilizing the ground I walked on, excited and humbled to share this new sobered expression of myself with my tribe. Yet, upon my early return to Colorado, I was met with solemn quietude, foggy confusion, and eyes that could see nothing in front of me. There was an opacity in my eyes created by Deaths Earth shattering Reality. Life installed new programs that had never undergone navigation and review, which led to why nothing could be seen, despite my eyes being open.
Or maybe they are closed?
Wake the fuck up!
Oh, bless. I don't know anymore. And that's okay.
Just as the rug was pulled out from underneath me, the world flipped upside down and time stopped
I kept falling
But I hit no ground
there was only groundlessness
In this space of the float, I met Matt.
I was a walking ghost, next to my tribe, yearning to connect with Matt Lackeys Astral body. Wearing his rose shirt, SAXX underwear, pants, shoes, jacket, and hat; I began to experience the waves of grief in their relentless onslaught.
Oh, by the way. This has been one of the most beautiful, expansive, transformative, and f'ing radical experiences in these young twenty six years walking along this planet. .
Spiritually connected in a new way. Transcending any experience of phsycadelic or yogic 'high' this is a new form of prayer that has awakened within me.
This new prayer consists of me simply opening my eyes each day and holding thanks for SIGHT, AIR, and LIFE.
For 20 days my canvas was Black. Where my canvas was once white with colors lucidly creating art before my eyes. This life force was created by a magical blessing of kinetic energy that shot from my fingers, which are my magic wands of creation. The stagnancy of illusion held me without a single thought of how I could even attempt to begin anew. My colors that once flowed from my fingers onto the canvas of life were barely landing on the target, and even if they did, the darkness was far too steep in its depth for the colors to make a mark.
Thankfully, I enjoy drowning in the darkness....
Once I drown, I get to re•create the vision of what once was. (It took me a while to believe this).
There are five primary stages of grief.
This is the physiological structures for the framework that aligns with the processesing of our lost fellow humans.
These are all stops on the timeline of our temporary physical human life, yet mere mili blinks of experience on the continuous timeline of our soul's journey.
So, I returned to a dead best friend, a disarray of a home situation, and a complete mind whiplash of the past 6 months I had experienced. The past 3 days I have begun to FEEL the ground beneath me.
there has been a shift and I think Matt had something to do with it.
I don't really know how to end this, because it doesn't really have an inspiring message other than:
Please, let your friends know you LOVE them, even if you, well, don't really. Tell 'Em you do. your eyes can do that too.
music has helped, friends have helped, and to my surprise, sending messages that I'm initially super nervous to send has proved to always be a good idea. Keep doing that. Dance more in the street like everyone and no one is watching.
LOVEtriBE never dies. The story continues, I love you, Hi ❤️